Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

😸

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?

Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

me: there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU

I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

sailors wish they could swear like me

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.