He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
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You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
