He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
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Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
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When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
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The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me