He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
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me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-