He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
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[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Scream sneezers need love too.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
stop
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
The Backseat Boys
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.