He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
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MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
The funk soul brother
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!