He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
You Might Also Like
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude