He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
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Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
throat sock season is upon us.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Tremendous stuff
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No