He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
You Might Also Like
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much