He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
You Might Also Like
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.