He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
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Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Holy moly
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man