Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

Her: Talk dirty to me

Me: I’m not good at it

Her: omg just do it!

Me: You’re a bad girl

Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?

Me: Substandard

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer

friend: no that was long enough

Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.