Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

[at a restaurant]

SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.

ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

the clam before the storm

Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”

my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t

Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?

A: You rocket!

#HatDadJoke

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]

HER: Aw, this makes my day.

ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah