‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
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I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
*limbos under the caution tape
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.