‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
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Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Breaking news:
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.