‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
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Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
shampoo implies shampee
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
This headline is a thing of beauty
