He looks like he’s got a lot to say
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If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
What do you hear?
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.