he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
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[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.