He loved it so much he walked himself up.
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when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.