He loved it so much he walked himself up.
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every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
A family that plays together cheats.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
me: why does my back hurt
also me: