*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
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Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
400 fucking grocery carts to choose from and I always pick the Ford Pinto with a flat tire.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
good work, everybody
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
🤣😂🤣😂
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.