*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
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me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
the icebreaker
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat