Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table

[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server

This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.