*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
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I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.