He-man has a Masters degree
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The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
just having fun
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.
Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Pigeon open mic night.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?