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Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.