He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
You Might Also Like
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️