He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
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I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider