He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
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I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
A REAL smart phone would know when to shut up.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.