He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
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[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.