Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

Best table by far

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.

Ah..makes sense now

My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?

If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

Always.

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The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

Beware of fowl play.

me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew

nurse: what mountain dew

me: it was on the bathroom counter

nurse: omg

me: what

nurse: u drank my mountain dew

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed