Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat

When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.

It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.

-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.

the prophecy has been fulfilled

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”

“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”

-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.