He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
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Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
