A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
BaD BoY!!
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.