Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché

Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

I fucking love Gary Larson so much

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.

My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.

All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.