Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

How did we not see this back then?

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did

michael scott: that’s what she said

I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.