He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.
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Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.