Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

surgeon: are… are you still awake?

me: man i got a lot going on right now

why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet

Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.

Me: You mean a day?

Scientist: What?

Me: What?

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason