He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
Good point.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
started the year single. ending the year single. consistency is key
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.