He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
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Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Most fashion shows these days…
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you