Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

It’s my birthday!

This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈

Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?

My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

lol

Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons

The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving