He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
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The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Tell me you get it…🤣
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Every. Damn. Time.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.