my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
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Sorry I dropped your baby and tried to catch it with my foot.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Things I’ve mastered:
1) Learning stuff the hard way.
3) Missing the point.
4) Not finishing anything.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season