@huntigula

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

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@ch000ch

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

@Jacksawyerr

Sorry I dropped your baby and tried to catch it with my foot.

@Cpin42

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

@Beerhaze

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

@iamburtjarvis

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

@meganamram

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

@0kilyDokily

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair

@jergarl

Things I’ve mastered:

1) Learning stuff the hard way.
2)
3) Missing the point.
4) Not finishing anything.

@GlumGeorgeLucas

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

@sageboggs

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season