He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
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Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”