He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
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One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
boys are so easy to impress
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???