Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

7: are eggs vegetables?

10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON

amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.

Or bees.

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?