Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

Twitter: Ed Asner died

Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor

T: Betty White is trending

Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!

T: She’s fine

Me: Why would you do that?

if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

Me: *facepalm*

CDC: Stop that.

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.

When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.

My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?

Me: Buy stuff

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?

Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.