He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
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I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.