He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
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A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
when revenge coincides with naptime
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Breaking news:
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Me in tagged photos
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.