He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
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ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Y’all know who you are.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct