He refuses to bathe without the Melon
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Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach