He refuses to bathe without the Melon
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I love you…
…r dog.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.