He refuses to bathe without the Melon
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kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter