He refuses to bathe without the Melon
You Might Also Like
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.