Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

People: Let us know if you need help!

Me: Okay I need help

People:

sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun

Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years

[first day as doctor]

me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep

patient: how can you tell?

me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

[first day on SWAT team]

SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”

<door flies open>

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man

nobody:

TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]