Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”

Knock Knock

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.

Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

she would like to bark at the manager, please.

Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.