Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?

Me: no more YouTube before bed.

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

Delicious if literal: in a pickle.

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

Where is your GOD now????

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

Taking phone security to the next level.

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

worst…sale…ever

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out