Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.

Customer is always right

Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery

My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*

Nurse: Know your blood type?

Me: Type-O

N: That’s good!

M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!

N: Get out

M: Fair enough

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’

in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

(Fancy restaurant)

Me: One food please.

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.

#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?

Me: Slept in.