He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
You Might Also Like
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct