Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

You are not alone 💚

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

“See you later alligator”

“In a whilst crocodile”

-why we fought the British for independence

NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:

You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework

KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

This is why I don’t delete Facebook

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.

Me: Wow! What were you?

Toddler: Godzilla!

Me: And what was your friend?

Toddler: Scared!

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him