He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
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My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
She was rare, like a goth jogging
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023