he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
You Might Also Like
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”
Möther may I have a snäck
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
My neck my back my allergy attack
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.