Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.

To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.

Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself