Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even

Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny

two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”

Mad Max: Furry Road

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco

If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”

Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?

I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

well this is just bullshirt

Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.

Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”

Me: “I would wait.”