Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

Mornin

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

Blew my mind.

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

need him

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.

Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!

A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.