Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.

When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

*first day as salsa dancer

“I’m not cleaning this up.”

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?