He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
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Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.