He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
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Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
ATMs should have breathalyzers
boat question
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄