He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
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“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
LMAO.
