He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
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Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses