Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.

Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?

1: GENIUS!

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete

Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?

Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.

Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.