He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
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Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Well, this explains it:
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
I have so many questions.
