He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
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Anyone else having a near life experience today?
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.