He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
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Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding