He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
You Might Also Like
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
You learn something every day
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Lmao the reply
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Those are good neighbors.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises